Local Bear Pathetically Applying For Towni Mascot Gig
The Mount Laurel Police Department kindly sends residents updates when anything noteworthy happens in town. Down wires causing one-lane traffic on Church between Country Lane and Ramblewood? The PD diligently texts every homeowner to keep them informed (I like the mental image of thirty cops sitting around, each with a list of hundreds of phone numbers assigned to them; it’s a cute idea, but ugh, the overtime!)
Yesterday I got this:
Knowing that to be approximately behind my house, I had a sudden sense of “wait, a BEAR?!” Chris and I were safely at the office 4 miles north, so this news merely led to many poorly-executed puns about honey and Goldilocks and I think I even said something about the Cubs being in town to play the Phillies. All unfunny, all predictable.
But it was all legit, too. A friend’s friend’s mom snapped this:
With just 5 days until Towni presses the “On” button on our metaphorical machine, now I have to worry about an American black bear (Ursus americanus
) eating my dogs and messing with my already-needing-to-be-replaced bird feeder. We have promotional materials still to create, rigorous testing underway – and a twelve-foot-tall rabid grizzly with nothing to lose is going Godzilla through town. I mean, basically.
A couple hours later:
Yeah, that’s what I thought. Movin’ on. Poor guy’s gotta miss his family. Probably just wants to get home and watch the new season of Arrested Development on Netflix like everyone else.
I felt safe again, knowing I could get back to the business of building a world-class community-supporting application for the 15 square miles where I spent my youth.
But peace was short-lived. This morning, I woke to find:
KinderCare, of all places. A daycare center for our community’s sweet, innocent kinders. But worse – that’s three doors down. For all I know, the bear strolled right through my backyard, fished through my trash cans, set up my bean bag game and neatly put it away, before heading to the next house to de-humanize them, too.
Look, bear. No amount of intimidation is going to slow down the Towni train. We’ll be at Booth 7, right in front of Happy Hippo, on June 1st for the 37th Annual Moorestown Day whether you like it or not. Let me guess, you only shop Big Box? You don’t think the independently-owned merchants deserve a dedicated platform to get their services in front of town residents?
Typical bear. Until then, I’ve asked Olivia, our ten-year old pug to stand guard. She’s no threat to win a doggie IQ test, but she sure is brave.